We'll See

There are moments in life we can point to and say, “That was the day.”

The birth of a child, graduation, your wedding day.

Meaningful events that take place as we age.

Moments when we can sit back and see that everything is about to change.

With each breath, we turn another page. The next chapter nothing like the one before. Anticipation, when all you’ve ever wanted lies just beyond that door.

But still, you pause.

When logic says you should sprint.

If I remember correctly, we’ve been here before, and just when everything was about to fall together instead it fell apart. Leaving me only to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart. Though I know in my mind that I’m truly okay. No really, I know I’m safe.

My body still remembers the pain.

I feel it with the tensing of my chest, as my heart rate quickens, and I struggle to catch my breath.

I want nothing more than to be happy, I deserve that don’t you think? For everything to be still and calm. To somehow find my peace.

And yet my trauma associates happiness with death. Making this place, right before happily ever after, a terrifying place to be.

I often wonder if I’ll ever be the same again. Until then I guess I’ll just hold my breath and we’ll see.